Age 2 or 3

Growing up, I had conflicting feelings about my hair.  I needed a “love my hair” intervention during my early childhood when I was embarrassed that I was the only one who had to wear a swimming cap to protect my hair when I went swimming at my predominantly White summer camp in Silver Spring, Maryland (suburb of Washington, DC). Getting my hair washed was a major production that I dreaded because it took several hours for my mother to detangle my thick head of curly hair while I cried at the top of my lungs in protest.  Despite the tears, my mother was always patient, gentle, and understanding when she cared for my hair.  After she finished combing through the tangles, I pouted while she blow-dried my hair, but I didn’t mind getting it braided.  The lengthy and painful hair washing process was always worth it in the end because I liked my pigtails.  My father also braided my hair on occasion after my mother got the tangles out, and I fondly remember admiring the braids he created because they were the same width from top to bottom.

Elementary School

At the age of 5, I wanted to have bangs like my friend Kia, but my mother told me that they were too difficult to take care of without a relaxer; so I took matters into my own hands and found some “grown up” scissors with the long, sharp blades and ended up cutting a bald spot right smack in the middle of my head.  My mother gave me a spanking and I learned that she did not think that I was mature enough to make decisions about my hair.  Typically, my mother gave me “the look” or a lecture when I acted up, so I knew she meant business (she never spanked me again).

When I was six years old, my mother straightened my hair with a pressing comb for the first time in preparation for my 1st grade family portrait.  I remember being fascinated with my hair as I turned around backwards in front of the mirror in our living room to see if it reached my waist like my Asian friend Marlene’s (it didn’t).  I ran my fingers through it and practiced flinging my hair around like the Solid Gold dancers I idolized (Note to my teen readers: Yeah, I really am that old).  As I danced around, I decided that it was more grown up and emphatic to “whip” my newly straightened hair back and forth than my pigtails.

Age 9 (I still remember how excited I was when I held my brown Cabbage Patch Kid doll for the first time...lol)

I got my first set of cornrows in the third grade.  Even though I hated sitting still during the long hours that it took my mother to adorn my hair with small braids, I loved my cornrows because I enjoyed listening to the sound of the beads clicking together whenever I moved my head.  I also discovered that it was fun to run and dance around with hair that made music.  And I liked feeling special and unique when my cornrows fascinated the non-Black children in my school.  I only disliked wearing cornrows when we played “Silent Speed Tag.”  I tried my best to tip toe quietly around the classroom, but my peers always guessed when I was “it” because they could hear my noisy braids even though their eyes were closed.

Middle School

The transition to middle school is often difficult for girls and I was no exception.  As I grew older, I longed for independence and wanted to style my own hair.  However, I had no idea how to properly care for it, so I continued to depend on my mother to maintain it.  During those awkward years, I noticed that the Black and biracial girls with long and wavy or straight hair got the most attention from my Black male peers, while the girls with kinkier hair were overlooked.  The girls with relaxed hair and trendy hair styles such as “crimps” and asymmetrical cuts were also popular.  I longed to be accepted, popular, and desirable, so I envied the girls with relaxed hair and cool hairstyles that I wasn’t allowed to wear (I typically wore my hair in a french braid).  I was always disappointed whenever it rained because my hair got frizzy and my bangs stuck straight up in the air.  At that stage of my life, I wanted to look like Salt-N-Pepa, but I felt more like Don King.

7th Grade (rocking my bangs)

When I conduct body image and empowerment workshops for girls, I sometimes ask the participants if they ever feel like they “hate their hair.”  Every time, most of the girls raise their hands and enthusiastically share examples of their “bad hair days.”  I have shared this sentiment on more occasions than I care to admit.  On one humid morning in the 7th grade, I felt extremely bothered and frustrated with my poofy hair, so I snuck downstairs into the kitchen to secretly straighten my bangs.  This was a big deal because I wasn’t allowed to use the pressing comb by myself because it had to be heated up on the stove (I was accident prone).  I ended up burning off a section of my hair because the pressing comb was too hot and I didn’t know how to use it properly (this happened before ceramic flat irons became popular).  I panicked and poured water on my hair because I was afraid that I would catch on fire.  When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe the sight of my scorched hairline because the ends had broken off and turned white and the wet section had become curlier than the rest of the hair on my head.

In that moment, I remembered the first time I damaged my hair as a result of disobeying my mother’s rules.  Even though I was older when the second bangs disaster happened, I was more worried about being punished by my mother than getting teased at school, so I ran upstairs and covered up the burned areas with my father’s black shoe polish and ran up the street to catch the bus to school. My hair is actually dark brown so my desperate act just made the problem more noticeable.  I don’t remember what happened when my parents discovered my antics, but I really didn’t need a formal punishment.  I learned my lesson after walking around school all day smelling like burnt hair and shoe polish, while nervously hoping that no one noticed my broken hair.  In retrospect, it seems obvious that a headband, scarf, or hat would have been so much more effective, but in my defense, it’s really hard to think clearly after you’ve almost set your hair on fire.  To this day, I still get nervous if anyone comes near me with a pressing comb!

9th Grade (after my first relaxer)

Needless to say, like many girls, I was caught up in trying to conform to the dominant beauty standards I had internalized from my peers and the media that privileged long, straight, bouncy hair.  Images that reified White beauty ideals were more pervasive and influential than the few images I saw of Black women with natural hair styles.  As a result, I begged my mother repeatedly for permission to get a relaxer to permanently straighten my hair.  Most of my Black friends had relaxed hair, which I viewed as a right of passage that I was being denied.  My frustrated mother expressed her concern that my hair would be damaged by the chemicals.  She tried to convince me that my hair was beautiful the way it was, but I had low self-esteem and was more concerned about what my peers thought about my hair.  Despite her better judgement, she finally gave me permission to get my first relaxer when I got my hair done for the 8th grade prom (she also allowed me to get my hair “crimped”).  When I entered high school, I started rocking one side of my hair in finger waves, the other side crimped, and the back straight (believe it or not, this was considered “fly” back then).  Going to the beauty shop gave me a false sense of maturity and beauty, and after my roots grew in, I became addicted to getting my hair relaxed every 6-8 weeks to maintain my straightened look and elaborate hair styles.

High School, College, & Beyond

Rising College Freshman (cheerleading camp)

After I entered high school and my awkward puberty years were behind me, I felt confident about my appearance and experimented with different hair styles.  I over-processed and damaged my hair on multiple occasions and had to chop it off several times as a result of heat damage.  I also wore braids on and off for a few years to give my hair a chance to rest and recover from the self-inflicted abuse.  Given the thickness of my hair, it took up to 12 hours to get it braided, which reminded me of my hair braiding sessions during childhood (one stylist attempted to triple her rate because I had “enough hair for three people”).

Although I felt beautiful with my braids, I often encountered conflicting reactions from people of varied racial and ethnic backgrounds that I did not experience when I wore my hair straight.  In general, White women and girls often touched my hair (some were polite enough to ask first, but others ran their fingers through my hair without my permission).  I even had to ask several young girls to stop putting my hair in their mouths when I was a cheerleading camp counselor in Maryland.  One of the White mothers pulled me aside in frustration and revealed that her daughter was obsessed with my hair and begged for braids every day.

Graduate School

During my years at Spelman College in Atlanta, Georgia, White men often approached me in public places with compliments and questions about my hair.  In contrast, my Black male peers often revealed their own internalized beliefs about beauty.  They approached me on campus and asked me in amazement why a “pretty brown-skinned girl with long hair” would choose to wear braids when I didn’t “need” to wear them.  When I asked them to explain themselves, they informed me that my darker skinned counterparts wore braids and natural styles out of necessity because their natural hair was short and “nappy” and they couldn’t wear other styles (i.e., long, straight hair).  They stared at me in amazement and disbelief when I challenged their attitudes and responded that I wore braids because I liked the way they looked.

Similarly, an older relative asked me why I wanted to wear “dreadlocks” since I had “goodish hair” (defined by her as hair that had to be altered to straighten it) and was fortunate that my lack of “African features” compensated for my darker skin.  I attempted to educate her about the difference between braids and dreadlocks, but she insisted that they were the same.  I told her that I was proud of my African heritage and skin color and wore braids because they made me feel beautiful.  She objected and argued that I was “American, not African.”  I had recently read a book about the history and politics of skin color stratification in the African-American community and questioned her perceptions of my hair, skin color, facial features, and racial heritage–but her disapproving comments continued.  I felt frustrated and offended that she did not approve of my appearance.  Although her comments were hurtful, I was much more confident by the time I entered college and knew that she loved me despite her backwards attitudes.  I am grateful that her insensitive comments did not affect my self-esteem or hairstyle choices.

After years of battling with my hair’s natural texture and running from precipitation, I started researching harmful chemicals that are found in many hair products and decided to grow my relaxer out.  As my hair grew, I became intrigued by the natural texture that I hadn’t seen since I was 13 and felt sad as I remembered how badly I had wanted to permanently alter my hair during my girlhood.  I became frustrated and considered relaxing it again a few times during the two years that it took to grow it out, but I am glad that I didn’t because my hair has never been healthier.  I still press my hair occasionally (with a ceramic flat iron) when I want to wear it straight or need a break from the daily maintenance required when I wear my hair in its natural state. However, now I rarely go to the beauty salon because I wear my hair in protective, natural styles most of the time.  I am also cautious about using too much heat on my hair because I don’t want to damage the natural curl pattern that took so long to grow out.

And now that my hair is unrelaxed, I am thrilled that I am able to enjoy my hair the way I did when I was a little girl.  I love my big, poofy hair and I am still amazed that I can do so many different things with the hair God gave me.  I can wear it straight, put water on it and watch it transform into curls and waves, or let it dry into a huge ‘fro.  Sometimes I even wear my hair in pigtails when I am air drying or setting it at home (my inner researcher loves to experiment with different products and styling techniques). It feels extremely liberating to no longer allow other people’s opinions and perceptions of beauty to dictate how I decide to style my hair.  If anyone objects, I’ll just follow Willow Smith’s advice and “turn my back and whip my hair and just shake ‘em off, shake ‘em off, shake ‘em off….” I wish I had her confidence when I was 9!  And if you find yourself struggling to tune out other people’s negative or unsolicited comments about your appearance, I would encourage you to do the same.

After my long journey from feeling oppressed by my hair to learning to love and accept it, I can’t imagine ever mistreating it again.  Even though I have days when I am frustrated with my hair, I have learned to appreciate every strand on my head.  While the Sesame Street video reminded me that “my hair is an awesome part of me,” the beautiful lyrics from India Arie’s song, “I Am Not My Hair“ summarize how I feel overall:

“…I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within…”

* Note to Educators: “Whip My Hair” and “I Am Not My Hair” are great songs to use to spark conversation about body image, self-esteem, peer pressure, and media literacy with girls of all ages and racial/ethnic backgrounds.

Through my hair journey, I have observed that taking care of my hair is similar to caring for a plant.  If you neglect a plant, rob it of nutrition, expose it to too much sun, or forget to water it regularly, the leaves will fall off and it will eventually die.  But if you appreciate its beauty, nurture it, give it proper nutrition, and shower it with loving care and kind words, the plant will flourish and grow into its full potential.  Likewise, it is my hope that I can do my part to help young women and girls appreciate their inner beauty by teaching them tools to help them appreciate, love, nurture, and cherish every part of themselves no matter what they look like on the outside.

Related Resources:

• Sign up for my E-mail newsletter and follow me on Facebook and Twitter to receive resources and tips for young women, parents, girls, and girl advocates.
• Dr. Carla’s “I Love My Hair” Conversation Guide & Real Talk™ Self-Esteem Kit for Parents of Girls
• Read my book chapter in “Girl Wide Web 2.0: Revisiting Girls, The Internet, and the Negotiation of Identity” for a research-based exploration of how Black adolescent girls navigate beauty ideals online.
• 101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Lover Her Body by Brenda Lane Richardson and Elaine Rehr
• “You’d Be So Pretty If….Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies – Even When We Don’t Love Our Own” by Dara Chadwick
• “I Love My Hair” by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley (children’s book)
• “Perfectly You” by Julia V. Taylor (children’s book)
• Check out Sunkissed Girlz, a web site created my friend and former University of Michigan School of Public Health classmate Dr. Yanique Redwood and her daughter Alana in response to the lack of positive media for Black girls.  The site includes helpful information about Black girls’ unique hair care and styling needs.
• Sweet Honey Child – This line of products celebrates the beauty and uniqueness of brown-skinned children.
• How to Detangle Black Hair

Although there has been a considerable amount of discussion about the video’s positive implications for Black girls, it also has a universal message regarding the diversity of beauty that all girls and even boys can benefit from.  It was refreshing to watch the Sesame Street video after being exposed to so many years of TV programming that promotes the message that women and people of color must transform their appearance in order to conform to mainstream beauty ideals that celebrate fair skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes.  However, after the buzz dies down, television networks must continue to be held accountable for their role in disseminating media messages that harm children’s self-esteem and overall health.

While the “I Love My Hair” video is a step in the right direction, there is still a lot of work to be done to counteract the negative impact that these pervasive images have on girls’ and boys’ body image, self-esteem, and perceptions of beauty.  Children of color need to see themselves reflected in the media in positive ways on an ongoing basis.  To this end, the “I Love My Hair” video will have a bigger impact if it inspires more positive media programming and media literacy education for children.  Sesame Street can continue to counteract harmful programming by giving this lovable brown-skinned muppet a permanent and progressive role in the Sesame Street cast that shatters stereotypes about Black girls (as long as she’s not relegated to the role of blonde-haired Prairie Dawn’s sassy, booty shaking, gold digging, sidekick).

Click here for ABC News coverage regarding the “I Love My Hair” video sensation.

Grown folks: Beware that if you watch this video too many times it may get stuck on auto-loop in your head.  Over the weekend, I caught myself singing “don’t need a trip to the beauty shop, ’cause I love what I got on top….” while doing the dishes.

And speaking of hair whipping and being grown, check out the Sesame Street “I Love My Hair”-Willow Smith “Whip My Hair” Mashup:

I have a hunch that this version will probably be more appealing to girls than the original Sesame Street version (at least until they see Willow Smith’s new “Whip My Hair” video). I love that this song encourages girls to have the courage to honor and celebrate their authentic selves without fear of judgement:

“I Love My Hair” Conversation Guide: Real Talk for Parents and Concerned Adults

I recently watching a disturbing video of a mother violently brushing her daughter’s hair, while verbally abusing her and inevitably damaging her self-esteem.  The social worker in me wanted to call DFACS and jump through my laptop. Even though I couldn’t tolerate more than 15 seconds of the video, it reminded me of how fortunate I was to grow up with loving, kind, and emotionally stable parents who expressed their love for me regularly, including while they groomed and styled my hair.

After reading some of the responses to the video, it became painfully obvious that in addition to learning effective hair detangling techniques, many parents and guardians need to be taught healthy ways to build their children’s self-esteem.  Unfortunately, some parents and caretakers project negative attitudes and behaviors that they learned during their own childhood onto their children.  It is critical that parents take responsibility for breaking this damaging cycle in their households as early as possible in their children’s lives to protect their developing self-esteem. Sadly, it is necessary to remind some parents that just because they may have had a troubling childhood, this is not an excuse to jeopardize their children’s physical and emotional health.

Parents who think that this mother’s behavior is funny or engage in similar behaviors with their children while styling their hair (i.e., threatening them, yelling obscenities, or chastising them for objecting to the pain that they are inflicting on their scalp and psyches), need to be educated about proper hair care techniques (there are tons of online tips and YouTube videos that demonstrate detangling methods) and should consider seeking professional counseling and/or enrolling in parenting classes. I also recommend that all parents take the time to explore how their own childhood experiences and attitudes about hair and beauty may be shaping their interactions with their children. If you feel uncomfortable or defensive as you read this section, I strongly encourage you to take an honest and objective look at your parenting practices.  Put yourself in your children’s shoes and consider how they may feel when you interact with them.

As a girls’ empowerment coach, I help parents/guardians build their daughters’ self-esteem and counteract the harmful effects of media.  In my work as a speaker and educator, I often utilize popular culture as a tool for sparking discussion and critical thinking about a range of issues that are relevant to youth and girls. The Sesame Street video provides a great opportunity to start a dialogue about self-acceptance and body image. To help celebrate your daughter’s uniqueness and boost her self-image, I created a brief conversation guide for parents, relatives, and concerned adults to use in conjunction with the “I Love My Hair” video.

Fill out the form below to download my Real Talk for Parents ™ Self-Esteem Kit for Parents, which includes the “I Love My Hair” Conversation Guide and 10 Tips to Boost Your Daughter’s Self-Esteem and Body Image (for girls of all ages).

* PART II: READ MY LATEST BLOG ABOUT MY “I LOVE MY HAIR” JOURNEY *

Related Resources:

• Sign up for my E-mail newsletter and follow me on Facebook and Twitter to receive resources and tips for young women, parents, girls, and girl advocates.
• Download the “I Love My Hair” Conversation Guide & Real Talk™ Self-Esteem Kit for Parents of Girls
• Read my book chapter in “Girl Wide Web 2.0: Revisiting Girls, The Internet, and the Negotiation of Identity” for a research-based exploration of how Black adolescent girls navigate beauty ideals online.
• 101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Lover Her Body by Brenda Lane Richardson and Elaine Rehr
• “You’d Be So Pretty If….Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies – Even When We Don’t Love Our Own” by Dara Chadwick
• “I Love My Hair” by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley (children’s book)
• “Perfectly You” by Julia V. Taylor (children’s book)
• Check out Sunkissed Girlz, a web site created by my friend and former University of Michigan School of Public Health classmate Dr. Yanique Redwood and her daughter Alana in response to the lack of positive media for Black girls.  The site includes helpful information about Black girls’ unique hair care and styling needs.
• Sweet Honey Child – This line of products celebrates the beauty and uniqueness of brown-skinned children.
• How to Detangle Black Hair

I am excited to announce the launch of my new Girls Destined for Greatness™ program for middle and high school girls in Atlanta. I created this coaching group to inspire girls to make positive decisions, embrace their uniqueness, pursue their goals, and step boldly towards achieving their true greatness. Participants should be ready to fall in love with themselves, take their lives to the next level, and have fun!

Girls enrolled in Girls Destined for Greatness™ will work closely with me to learn tools and strategies to help deepen self-awareness, pursue goals, and develop a strong foundation for success.  If you sign up, you will meet with me on a regular basis and receive inspirational exercises in between sessions to help you make progress along your journey to greatness.

Be sure to register for the complimentary webinar and Q&A call for more information about the upcoming session beginning in April (dates TBA):

Wednesday, March 17, 2010
8:00 pm Eastern Time

Join me as I share “5 Tips to Help Your Daughter Build Healthy Self-Esteem and Self-Worth.” Sign up to get information and resources for concerned parents and more details about my life-changing new Girls Destined for Greatness™ program.

Register for the Webinar/Q&A Call

More Information about Girls Destined for Greatness